Right. Hi. Hello.
My woman has asked me to speak to you directly. Basically because she is too skint to ask some reporter for yet another interview, so this time I am taking the trouble to talk to you cat to man, so to speak.
It being October, and those leaves falling, and humans getting all soppy and melancholy, she asked me to try to get my philosophy across to you.
For I am, according to her, the most laid back cat around. And she has asked me to whisper my secret into her ear.
First of all. It is all in the limbs. You humans are much, much too uptight and stressed and stiff.
Take a good look at a cat. Ever seen a stiff cat?
Now, okay, right, I don't mean one of those cats which you are trying to get into a cat carrier in order to take it to the vet. Now those cats are stiff as a board, but they are thus for a purpose...Namely to stop you shoving them into that carrier in the first place.
No, I mean a cat in its natural habitat. On the sofa, say, or in a beam of sunlight, or in the tall grass next to a gently running stream, or...
Perhaps I'd better provide you with a visual. You humans seem fond of those.
My point exactly.
You roll on to your back, you stretch, put the paws loosely apart (as wide as you like, we cats know no shame), take a deep breath....and...purr.
I assure you I am as loose as a floppy rug in that photo.
One caution though: you must stretch again before turning right side up! And for Frith's sake do not attempt to lick yourself between the legs in the first lesson. You would only look very silly and probably have to be carted off to the hospital (and see if you like being put into a carrier - I bet you'd go extremely stiff yourself!)
Yes, I do a bit of teaching, in between my naps and meals.
Have a look at this session with Gina. She's quite a dedicated student!
Okay, once you've mastered the relaxed-back-position, you are ready for a touch of the mind set.
You start by realising you are master of your own universe. To obtain this realisation, I want you to find yourself a quiet corner (a cardboard box will do nicely, or if you don't have one large enough you can always shut yourself into a dark cupboard or hide yourself under a bed) and imagine you are into The Zone. The Zone needs some explaining, I suppose.
The Zone is a state of being which comes natural to cats. All our senses are heightened, our whiskers are quivering like antennae, our ears pick up the tiniest scratch of a mouse's claw or the rattling of the jar where the cat food is kept in, and we see things you humans do not see.
Do NOT believe we see dead people or some such nonsense. We don't. We do see auras though. That's the reason we can stare at a point just south of your head for minutes on end. We don't look at your head per se, we watch the energy field around your head, which tells us what kind of mood you are in.
I've asked one of my pals to demonstrate this for you. This cat is definitely in The Zone.
It takes dedication and practice, but if you apply yourself, you will be able to source The Zone. Eventually. After a lot of hard work. Perhaps.
Anyway. As soon as you have access, you are ready for lesson three.
Whatever you do, keep repeating this mantra:
Master, Master, Master, Master.
A good way to put this to the test (are you giving it the right stress?) is to jump onto the head of the person nearest to you and to firmly put your claws into the hair.
When they scream, curse or start crying, you know you have got it just right.
If you do this often enough you will come to believe yourself to be a proper master of the house. People will jump up to open doors for you, imagine that! They will vie for your attention! They will tempt you with treats! You will be able to sleep wherever you want, whenever you want.
Oh...just one thing. Beware of cat flaps. I have it on good authority that humans are better off using doors.
Next time I'll teach you my hunting techniques, shall I?