To Cat or not to Cat...

Good morning, fans. Viggo here! 
My woman is a bit out of sorts, due to the fact that she has too much to do in too short a time. (At least, that's what I heard her sigh)

So, I've decided to take matters in my own paw and seek direct contact with all of you.

The question I would like to propose to you is the following, existentialist one:

To Cat, or not to Cat?

Do you follow the traditionalist side, who believe cats should be cats, and not be dressed up in silly frilly dresses (to name just one abhorrence) or are you one of those humans who feel that it is okay to humanize cats in whatever way they like?

Take my woman, for example. She believes in letting cats be cats. But at the same time I see her giggle about the antics other cat lovers get up to. She follows this blog called Caturday, and corresponds with other cat lovers.

Now, I allow this, because I know she means well.

But at the same time I would like to take a stand, here.

I will bite, scratch and scoop out the eyes of everyone who tries to put a knitted hat on ME!

Just warning you.

Right. I wish you a wonderful day. Go feed your cat. Right now!

Viggo's Haiku on Gina

decrepit old dog

farting in your soft basket

wish you would cuddle

(this is not my photo; I found it floating around in cyberspace)

Viggo's Haiku on a Chicken Wing

My woman eats rice

fragrant Chinese chicken wings

am not invited

Viggo's Haiku on Voles

Cats have their own unique viewpoint of the dark, wet, Wetlands Winter months; at least...Viggo has!

Viggo in his custom-torn take-away bag

Q: You were an Autumn baby. Do you have a special affinity with Autumn?

V: Technically I was a late Summer kitten. And no, I prefer Spring. When the frogs and toads start to jump back to the pool, that's wonderful. And all those young birds that still cannot fly very well. And the butterflies, and the bumble bees, oh...bumble bees! And dragonflies! Poetry in motion.

Q: Do you mind getting wet so very often in Autumn and Winter? You never seem to mind the rain in our wetter than wet Wetlands.

V: Rain doesn't bother me at all. Must be my alleycat background. In fact, it is a great pleasure of mine to come in sopping wet and then curl up on your lap. As you well know. The way that you always dry off Gina, with one of those smelly dog towels...ridiculous. No towel needed here; I simply wait until my fur has dried out by itself.

Q: Most cats lick themselves dry. You don't seem to do that. Can you explain why not?

V: As I said, I prefer to lie in your lap, or your bed, and get dry. I wouldn't mind curling up next to Gina occasionally, but for some strange reason she doesn't want me in her basket. Every time I try, she growls most unpleasantly. Stupid, it's big enough!

Q: She's old. And you are allowed onto the furniture, she isn't, so...

V: So what? 

Q: Now don't get nasty.

  The reason for this interview is your latest Haiku. Would you like to share it with your readers?

V: Well... Yes. I'm quite content with it. It came to me when I was stalking one of those irritating voles near the shed, and I thought about it some, and finished it last Saturday when I was in my take-away bag.

Q: The floor is yours.

V:

Smallish brownish prey

its shivering whiskers twitching

walks into my mouth

Q: Thank you so much, Viggo.

V: Hey, you promised to feed me extra if I shared that poem. Move it, woman!

Happy 2015 to You! May it be a Peaceful Year.

Hi there, all you dreamers, lovers, thinkers and other assorted well-wishers.
It is Dec. 30th over here, but as I am aware that 2015 will be starting sooner with lots of you  'over there' than me 'over here', I will post this one day 'too early'.

So...anyway :-)

Frankly I dislike fireworks, unless it's the show from the Erasmusbrug in Rotterdam, which is the best fireworks display in the entire Wetlands. But I, like my pets, abhor these loud bangs, usually when I least expect them.

New year's resolutions? Do you have them?

Let's make a list.
# world peace
# peace in Europe
# peace between Ukraine and Russia
# peace....

Okay. That was a tad unrealistic, I know. So let's make the list more personal.

# appreciate the people around me
# eat more (Hah! Got you!)
# eat more vegetables and fruit/nuts than protein
# re-start my long-distance walking routine
# play the guitar
# play the guitar
# play the guitar

Also, since I know that he has quite a few fans, I asked Viggo for a selfie. Here it is. He was a bit drowsy, due to his usual over-eating. So I asked him for another one.

Tssssssss. Not very interesting, is it?

So. Anyway.

I would like to wish you a marvelous 2015! May it bring you everything you desire; love, good health, wealth, fame, success, and...well, yes, let's...peace.

Viggo on Kate Bush.

It had to happen...Impossible to skip...Kate Bush being the essence of cattiness ever since she posed as a lioness on the cover of her album Lionheart. And my big butch black tomcat has an opinion on everything anyway, as you well know by now.

V: First of all, what is that ridiculous photo doing here? That's not me!

Q: Sorry. I thought it was quite amusing...

V: Amusing? It is degrading! It makes us felines look like utter idiots. As if we...mublmublzzmublb...

Q: Excuse me?

V: Okay. I do like a good box myself. From time to time.

V: Good GRIEF, woman!

Q: Concentrate on the Kate Bush angle, Viggo.

V: Right. Kate Bush, Kate Bush...you know, my mind's a blank. 

Q: Viggo!

V: Pffffffft, keep your claws sheeted. Kate Bush. The uttermost catlike singer I have ever heard. The grace, the agility, the power, the glossiness, the balance, the control, the warbling, the range, the...

Q: That's just a summing up. Come on, you can do better than that!

V: I was just getting started.  

When I first heard her latest album, I was blown away. I remember it well. You had ordered it from Bol.com and it arrived just before Christmas last year in an intriguing cardboard envelope which smelled divine, and you put it on really loud and I felt these vibrations through the tips of my whiskers. And then this...voice...It took all my self-control not to howl along..."I....am...SKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" 

Wonderful!

And on Ariel she used those divine bird sounds, it makes me shiver all over, delicious!

Do you know, there is not a lot that I feel we have in common, you and I. You are my woman, and I appreciate you looking after me, but that's about it...Well, I like the occasional cuddle. But Kate Bush is our common ground, absolutely. 

As a black cat, I am in the know. Kate Bush is the quintessence of English wicca, but the good side. It's no surprise to me that she is referred to as such by folks on the Internet. That Kate even looks like a cat. Have you seen her eyes? And those pointy ears and teeth. I bet she smells good.

Q: She's supposed to be a vegetarian.

V: What? Impossible. No meat? No!

Q: Hmmm. That's what I read.

V: Oh! Oh! The disappointment! The heartbreak! 

Q: Now who is being ridiculous?

V: Shut up, you flexitarian you! It's bad enough that you hang your bird feeders out of my range. Us cats need blood! Fresh blood! With feathers on! Oh...go on, post another photo of 

some pampered neutered cat that never hunts, why don't you? I'm done!

Viggo On "Rotterdam City of 2015" Election.

Hiya. You have reached the blog of a very proud Rotterdammer. The city of my birth has been elected Best European City for 2015 by some London-based committee. YAY!
Now, obviously us born in Rotterdam have known for some time that Rotterdam is great, but it's nice to know that others recognise this as well.
So, to celebrate, I have asked Viggo for his opinion on this wonderful achievement.

Q: Viggo, so nice of you to grant us this interview, it being a Sunday and raining as well.

V: Always happy to oblige, for my fans.

Q: Can I ask you what your first thought was when you heard about this celebratory fact about Rotterdam?

V: My first thought? Hm... Couldn't care less.

Q:Aren't you the tiniest bit proud that the city that spawned your woman won?

V: 'Spawned'? Are you a tadpole?

Q: Viggo, don't be like that, please!

V: Oh, alright then. Well. I must admit that I do admire my predecessor, the  red cat Peter. The way he watched over your birthing... that was classy.  I don't now if I could face that scene; a red squealing smelly baby dropping out of a woman 1 foot away... I'm told he kept his cool admirably, didn't move a whisker. And I know he lived in Blijdorp for years, which is Rotterdam I suppose. It's a pity he has been dead for the last 53 years, it would have been nice to hunt together.

Q: I'm sure. Rotterdam?

V: Oh, yeah, certainly. Rotterdam... Rotterdam... You know, I'm totally blank.

Q: The Euromast, The Erasmusbrug, the Kop van Zuid, the Markthal, the...

V: Enough! You sound like a Tourism Board Advertisement. 

Q: Schmidt Zeevis, Andalus Vis...

V: Ah...that's more interesting. But I'm not really into eating the stuff, sorry.

Q: Anything to say about Rotterdam, anything at all?

V: To tell you the truth, nope. But you can post that selfie I took today.

Q: Already did, it's at the top of this page.

V: Right. Well, you can post the full length ones in the windowsill then, they came out quite well, I think. Pity about those ridiculous African birds.

Viggo Plays Guitar.

Hiya, happy Caturday to you!
When I told you I would start posting about music, I also promised to ask Viggo to make the occasional appearance, and I always keep my promises.

Ever since my tomcat Viggo trashed my brand new guitar to make a point (his point being that he wanted me to get out of bed at 3 am and feed him), Viggo and guitars have a somewhat fraught relationship. So I thought it an idea to ask him about this.

Q: Could you say that you dislike my guitar?

V: Yes, I could say that. But I won't. Because it isn't true.

Q: Then what made you decide to swat my guitar from its stand?

V: I simply saw an opportunity. It just stood there. You just lay there. I was hungry.

Q: Did you feel sorry afterwards?

V: Don't be silly. I cannot understand your weird emotions about that guitar. You almost cried, I mean...honestly. It's a thing made out of wood and strings, not a living being. And you should have spared a thought for me! You shouted at me! I was sooooo upset!

Q: I observe your somewhat...reluctance to come near my guitar nowadays though. Not that I am complaining. 

V: Yes, well, you would be reluctant too! That guitar crashing scared the bee-jeebies out of me. I didn't foresee that it would make that clanging noise. That, and you screaming! 

Q: But you take a wide berth when I am playing it, as well.

V: That's because you keep playing the same thing over, and over, and over....

Q: That is called practicing.

V: Oh...is that was it is. I thought it was simply bad music. 

Q: Watch your mouth!

V: That wasn't a question.

Q: I mean it, take care what you say, or I'll cut your ration.

V: WHAT? Even more? Don't you dare! It's barely a mouthful as it is! And Gina tries to eat it every time!

Q: That's your own doing, you keep leaving half!

V: I save it! It is for later! That's first cat rule, you save a bit for later! For when you want another little bite!

Q: Well, that's plain stupid, you should eat it all, because you know Gina tries to get at your food.

V: That's it. This talk is over! You can take your stupid guitar and stick it up your...Oh! What's that? Did you see that?

SWAT!

Q: Well. What can I say? And another dragonfly bites the dust. Did that taste good?

V: Mwah. A bit disappointing. It looked better than it tastes. So I think I'll leave the rest, if you don't mind.

Q: You just bit its head off, Viggo! You left the rest already anyway.

V: Pooh! Semantics! Okay, time for my wash. Oh...no...not the guitar, please!

Q: I'll put the headphones on.

V: Thanks. Tickety-boo, then.

Fast Approaching the One Year Mark!

Good Sunday morning to you, my blog-friends!
It is October 12th, and we are fast moving towards November 24th and the One-Year Rays of Light mark.
And I am experiencing this (tiny) dilemma.

To continue, or not to continue?

You see, I am easily bored. It is one of my lesser attractive personality traits, I suppose.

My main goal, if I had one (did I have one? Yes, I suppose I did), was to provide myself with a venting system, and to provide others - you - with some innocent entertainment.

The secondary goal was to reach first 5,000 and then 10,000 page views.

By now, I am approaching the 12,000 page views. Which is...nice.

On the other hand, I have exactly 12 followers. (I used to have 13, but one left. Why? Frith knows.)

And there you have it.

This blogger's lark is so anonymous. Hardly anyone lets me know what they have felt, experienced, thought, whilst reading my posts. So I am blogging away in the dark, so to speak.

My stats show me some of my posts (the ones about Viggo, for instance) are popular. And they show me my blog is most widely read in the Ukraine (WHY???) I have never been near the Ukraine, let alone that I know anyone there...I tend to do well in the Balkans anyway, and some Russians read my blog...

Still. The thought that I could do other (better?) things with my time sneaks up on me more and more often.

Now, there's a point to all this. You can play your part!

Instead of my next goal being yet more readers (they will get here anyway; by now this blog is a snowball slowly rolling downhill under its own momentum) my next goal will be to gather followers. Like you gather flowers.

I'll give you, and myself, another couple of months. You know, just to see where this will lead.

And you can click that button on my home page, saying you have become a follower. Make a statement. Access The Zone, to quote Viggo. It will do no harm. You will gain a regular uplifting post. 

Viggo's Philosophy

Hello, Viggo fans all around the world. Hope you have had an amazing day! By popular demand Viggo has dictated his words of wisdom.

Right. Hi. Hello.

My woman has asked me to speak to you directly. Basically because she is too skint to ask some reporter for yet another interview, so this time I am taking the trouble to talk to you cat to man, so to speak.

It being October, and those leaves falling, and humans getting all soppy and melancholy, she asked me to try to get my philosophy across to you.

For I am, according to her, the most laid back cat around. And she has asked me to whisper my secret into her ear.

Here goes.

First of all. It is all in the limbs. You humans are much, much too uptight and stressed and stiff.

Take a good look at a cat. Ever seen a stiff cat? 

Now, okay, right, I don't mean one of those cats which you are trying to get into a cat carrier in order to take it to the vet. Now those cats are stiff as a board, but they are thus for a purpose...Namely to stop you shoving them into that carrier in the first place.

No, I mean a cat in its natural habitat. On the sofa, say, or in a beam of sunlight, or in the tall grass next to a gently running stream, or...

Sorry.

Perhaps I'd better provide you with a visual. You humans seem fond of those.

My point exactly.

You roll on to your back, you stretch, put the paws loosely apart (as wide as you like, we cats know no shame), take a deep breath....and...purr.

See?

I assure you I am as loose as a floppy rug in that photo. 

One caution though: you must stretch again before turning right side up! And for Frith's sake do not attempt to lick yourself between the legs in the first lesson. You would only look very silly and probably have to be carted off to the hospital (and see if you like being put into a carrier - I bet you'd go extremely stiff yourself!)

Yes, I do a bit of teaching, in between my naps and meals.

Have a look at this session with Gina. She's quite a dedicated student!

Okay, once you've mastered the relaxed-back-position, you are ready for a touch of the mind set.

You start by realising you are master of your own universe. To obtain this realisation, I want you to find yourself a quiet corner (a cardboard box will do nicely, or if you don't have one large enough you can always shut yourself into a dark cupboard or hide yourself under a bed) and imagine you are into The Zone. The Zone needs some explaining, I suppose.

The Zone is a state of being which comes natural to cats. All our senses are heightened, our whiskers are quivering like antennae, our ears pick up the tiniest scratch of a mouse's claw or the rattling of the jar where the cat food is kept in, and we see things you humans do not see.

Do NOT believe we see dead people or some such nonsense. We don't. We do see auras though. That's the reason we can stare at a point just south of your head for minutes on end. We don't look at your head per se, we watch the energy field around your head, which tells us what kind of mood you are in.

I've asked one of my pals to demonstrate this for you. This cat is definitely in The Zone.

It takes dedication and practice, but if you apply yourself, you will be able to source The Zone. Eventually. After a lot of hard work. Perhaps.

Anyway. As soon as you have access, you are ready for lesson three.

Assert yourself.

Whatever you do, keep repeating this mantra:

Master, Master, Master, Master.

A good way to put this to the test (are you giving it the right stress?) is to jump onto the head of the person nearest to you and to firmly put your claws into the hair.

When they scream, curse or start crying, you know you have got it just right.

If you do this often enough you will come to believe yourself to be a proper master of the house. People will jump up to open doors for you, imagine that! They will vie for your attention! They will tempt you with treats! You will be able to sleep wherever you want, whenever you want. 

Oh...just one thing. Beware of cat flaps. I have it on good authority that humans are better off using doors.

Next time I'll teach you my hunting techniques, shall I?

Viggo on Life (sort of)

Good morning to you, where ever you are!
Viggo has graciously consented to another interview.

Q: What prompted you to grant a third interview?

V: I want to set the record straight. After the second one I got a lot of flack about being arrogant and grumpy. I am not grumpy. In fact I am lovable, intelligent, funny, generous,  a good listener and...did I mention generous?

Q: Can you give an example of your generosity?

V: Of course I can! I bring my woman a nice juicy mouse, vole or mole at least once a week. I used to bring it right to her in bed, but for some reason she has made it plain that she wants them delivered elsewhere. Beats me. Anyway, I now leave them next to the back door, and she loves that. Every time I present one, usually with the head neatly severed, she shouts "Oh Viggo!". That says it all, doesn't it? She loves me.

Q: And you aren't tempted to eat them yourself?

V: Well...Yeah. Sometimes I cannot help myself. They smell so good, and I get these urges... But that's only sometimes, mind. Mostly I keep them for her. She deserves them, she's a good woman, really, she does her best. But yeah, I occasionally eat one. The thing is, I always regret it afterwards. The mouse hair doesn't agree with me, so I tend to barf a bit.

Q: Eeeeuw!

V: Don't be silly! It's  a fact of life that cats barf. I'm good at it, I do it discreetly in the garden, not everywhere in the living room like that tubby tabby that my woman keeps inviting into my home. Well, strictly speaking she's not a tabby of course, but in essence she is. Get it?

Q: What tubby tabby is that?

V: Oh, that's a sad case. She comes when her people go away on holiday. My woman has, in a moment of weakness, said that I will be hospitable. The tubby tabby comes from a shelter, like I do, but she has a screw loose. Even though she has been here numerous times, she always spends at least two days hiding behind the settee and she has this thing about staying in the cupboard under the stairs. I keep trying to get her to relax, you know, I even try to play with her to loosen her up a bit, but she just growls. Talk about grumpy, now there's a grumpy cat for you! And she hates my dog. Gina and I get along fine, Gina knows her place. But the tubby tabby is afraid of Gina. Quite comical, you should see her jump when Gina barks.

Q: How do you feel about the other cats coming into your garden?

V: Funny you should mention that. Tubby tabby is allowed into the garden, as long as she keeps her claws off the fish in the pond. They are mine, simple. And the frogs. They are mine as well. And come to think of it the rodents; mine! And tabby should stick to the paths, as the earth is mine as well. So...But the other cats should keep out of my garden. I'm quite strict about that!

Q: What do you do to keep them out of it then?

V: I have my methods. Me being black is an advantage. They tend to see me at the last possible moment, hehehe. Also I practice a very ancient defense technique, which originated in the East, called Cat Fu. I am not very heavy, but I'm fast as lightning. And it helps that I keep my claws sharp, obviously.

Q: Okay, well, thank you very much, I appreciate this.

V: No problem. Always happy to oblige. Now piss off, it is time for my snooze. You can put the extra bags of Purina in the back, my woman will take care of them, ta.